It's God calling
by inslupbanana
Summary: James Wilson really doesn't know what to make of his life sometimes. 'God' isn't helping "Who is this?" "God" "So why are you texting me, God" "Isn't it obvious?" Wrong Number AU/Different first meeting, possibly eventual House/Wilson cross-posted ao3, only a few years late :)
1. Chapter 1

(Just to clarify they have not met yet and they work at different hospitals but House has had his infarction.)

Wilson is 31 years old and _Italic_

House is 41 years old and **Bold**

Thursday 5/11/2018

11:21 **What are the rarest causes of bone infarctions?**

11:24 _Shouldn't you be looking at the most common causes first?_

11:26 **Been there, done that. No common health disorders. Now rarest causes?**

11:31 _Who is this?_

11:34 **God**

11:36 _So why are you texting me_ _ **God**_ _?_

11:37 **Isn't it obvious?**

11:39 _Well apparently, but I would've thought you'd know what was wrong with someone._

11:42 **Ah I've been foiled. Now come on, you're a doctor, causes, go, hurry.**

11:46 _What? Seriously who is this? How do you know I'm a doctor?_

11:50 **Haven't we already been over this? I'm omniscient. You're not helping.**

11:53 _Julie? You're not trying to get back at me for something are you?_

11:59 **No I am not your girlfriend. I do not know you, I just texted a random number because my lackeys are idiots so you couldn't possibly be any worse. And I know you're a doctor because the first thing you did was try to answer my question, you could have just been someone with vague medical knowledge but you weren't at all phased by the randomness of the question until you realised I wasn't someone you knew. Therefore you are used to dealing with sudden, important questions of this nature on a regular basis so you are either a doctor or a teacher.**

12:00 **I went with doctor.**

12:02 _If you weren't such an ass I might have actually found that impressive. It was still creepy._

12:03 **A man's life hangs in the balance.**

12:06 _I'm an oncologist, that's not my speciality._

12:08 **!**

12:11 _Fine, er hepatitis, rheumatoid arthritis, thrombophilia or antiphospholipid syndrome_

12:12 **Already done a blood test, not hepatitis and no signs of any of the others. Come on, think of something more exciting!**

12:14 _I don't believe your patient (I really hope you do actually have a degree and aren't the crazy guy who walks round hospitals muttering to himself) would agree that this is exciting._

12:15 **Well I don't walk round them and that is not my problem**

12:15 _You really are nice aren't you_

12:16 **That's what all my hookers say**

12:18 _I didn't need to know that_

12:18 **You asked for it. Give me more ideas, something really out there.**

12:19 _From the sounds of it you're the one who's really out there._

12:22 **I resemble that remark**

12:22 _And just because they aren't showing signs doesn't mean they don't have the condition_

12:24 **You're right! I knew there was a reason people called me God. Well mostly I call myself that but its the same thing really.**

12:25 _What?_

12:31 _Hello? 'God' are you there?_

James Wilson shook his head before leaning over and banging it repeatedly on his desk. He had to admit that last sentence looked a little weird.

He couldn't help himself though, whoever this guy was he piqued James' curiosity. Not only did he call himself god but if he'd actually discovered a rare underlying medical condition for a bone infarction that fast then maybe he had reason to.

And he was starting to sound crazy again. Great.

12:40 _You seem like the kind of guy who likes to boast so I'll just wait for you to come back_

Friday 5/12/2018

7:43 _Okay come on you can't just leave it at that._

7:45 _Was it a genuine medical mystery?_

10:30 **Would have been if it weren't for me!**

10:36 **He's being discharged by the end of the week.**

10:49 _So the bone infarction was because of..._

10:53 **Gaucher disease, type 3.**

10:56 _Are you joking? And a bone infarction was his only symptom? Gaucher rarely results in problems like that. And how old was this guy? It usually presents in adolescence at the latest._

10:59 **Family history of it, but he didn't understand it so he never told us. The idiot also had myoclonic epilepsy which he also didn't think to tell us.**

11:16 _Huh_

11:18 **Everybody lies, especially patients.**

11:21 _Wow you really do have an awful outlook on life_

11:22 **Since I was the man just proven correct, I'll take that.**

11:24 _Okay I get it, you're omniscient I should bow down before your miserable greatness_

11:25 **Finally you get it**

11:27 _What are you then, an epidemiologist?_

11:29 **Double speciality in nephrology and epidemiology, I work as a diagnostician**

11:31 _Makes sense._

11:31 _And as you already know I'm an oncologist_

11:33 **What are we doing swapping life stories?**

11:36 _Well I was trying to show some semblance of common human decency but since that clearly doesn't agree with you just call me James._

11:38 **That takes all the fun out of it**

11:39 _Out of what?_

11:41 **It might have given me something interesting to do for a whole five minutes if you'd let me try to guess your name.**

11:41 **Make that two, it's not really an unusual name.**

11:42 _Oh I'm sorry that my normal name offends you. Yours is clearly something hip and modern._

11:44 _Wait does that mean you could actually get my last name if you tried?_

11:45 **Probably**

11:47 _Oh crap_

11:48 **Don't worry, I've got no need to stalk you in person if I can just bug you over the phone**

11:50 _What I relief, I can't imagine why I was so concerned for my safety_

11:53 **Heh**

11:53 _Since you still don't seem to care about manners, what should I call you? And unlike you I probably won't be able to guess your entire life history from whatever name you decide to give me._

11:55 **However it would be relatively easy to look me up**

11:56 _How about you promise not to 'deduce' me and I won't google you, deal?_

11:58 **Greg**

12:00 _I will take that as a yes. And hold on, your name is equally boring!_

12:03 **Petty**

12:03 **I like that**

12:06 _Good for you. Now I have to go because, unlike some people who seem to have far too much time, I actually work._

12:07 **Bye bye dull Jim**

12:10 _Goodbye, you miserable bastard_


	2. When Jimmy met Steve

Sunday 5/14/2018

10:04: _How do you kindly tell someone you aren't interested?_

10:06: **Fuck off**

10:11: _Excuse me?_

10:12: **What?**

10:12: **Telling them they're ugly and have daddy issues usually works**

10:12: **Not on hookers or minions though, they seem to like that**

10:14: _And now I realise asking you was a mistake_

10:17: **Like you**

10:17: _What are you, five?_

10:31: **Could a five year old do this**

10:32: **And stop cheating on your girlfriend**

10:34: _I'm not! Doesn't my text in fact suggest the opposite?_

10:35: **Well it would if you hadn't asked in the first place. If you're not cheating all you'd have to say is the words 'I have a girlfriend'. Even you must be intelligent enough to say that Jimmy.**

10:37: _Well maybe I just wanted a conversation starter, something you didn't think of because you clearly have no concept of normal human interaction_

10:38: _No I'm not being defensive_

10:38: _Damn you._

* * *

16:22: _Are you just ignoring me now?_

16:34: **Who me? My god I could never do that to you**

16:46: _Of course not_

16:48: _Greg?_

16:48: _…_

* * *

Monday 5/15/2019

10:39: **I would apologise but you know... I'm not sorry**

10:41: **Too busy telling people they're idiots, ogling the boss the usual**

10:53: _I'll take that to mean you solved another 'case'_

10:54: _Who're the idiots this time then?_

10:56: **Well that'd either be the morons who gave themselves sleeping sickness by sleeping around or my very own mindless drones who couldn't figure it out without mommy to guide them**

10:59: _Honestly the part of the sentence that disturbs me the most is that in this scenario you're mommy_

11:03: **Your face disturbs me the most**

11:04: _What_

11:05: **What? And Steve McQueen and I take great offense to that**

11:07: _What..._

11:09: **I see you're a one word kinda guy**

11:14: _First of all my face? I don't even?_

11:16: **You this talkative in real life**

11:18: _But-but that's my point, you don't know what I look like_

11:21: **It's a joke Jimmy I'm sure no one cares that you're fugly**

11:26: _And Steve, Steve McQueen? Please tell me that you don't have a child_ _and you haven't named him that_

11:28: **Don't worry I wouldn't want to inflict something like that on myself**

11:29: _I was thinking that but more the other way round_

12:02: **I'm sorry, I'm about to lose you because I'm about to drive into a tunnel in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up on you**

12:04: _But we're not even on a phone call_

12:04: _Greg?_

12:06: _And we're back to this again I see_

12:10: _Okay, I'm sorry, I'm sorry_

12:11: _Who is Steve?_

12:15: **You give up too easily it's disappointing**

12:17: _I need a distraction alright, I'm not as boring as everyone around here seems to think I am_

12:18: **Hey don't worry about it**

12:19: _Is this you... being nice?_

12:20: **It's not just there that people find you boring**

12:21: _And I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up_

12:25: **You shouldn't have offended Steve**

12:27: _I apologised! And I still don't know who that is._

12:29: **God Jimmy don't get your panties in a twist, my pet rat accepts your apologies**

12:32: _Are you kidding me_

12:34: **I never kid about panties**

12:38: _Alright that's it I'm done_

12:38: _You're far too annoying to be a five year old_

* * *

19:11: ***image sent*** (Pic of Steve)

19:15: _Great, a rat_

19:16: **I'll have you know Steve is twice the person I could ever be**

19:18: _And I'm not sure if that says more about you or Steve_

19:20: **Thank you**

19:23: _I don't even-_

19:23: _Anyway. Disturbing as it is texting you I have to go._

19:24: _See I'm giving you warning as a normal person would._

19:26: **Oh Jimmy I don't know what's funnier, that you consider yourself a normal person or assume I'd want to be one**

19:27: _Goodbye Greg_

19:28: **Well hop to it then! Save the baldies while you can!**

19:29: _Are you this offensive to everyone you meet?_

19:32: **Yes. Don't think you're special.**

* * *

Wednesday 5/17/2018

10:11: **Bored.**

10:16: _What?_

10:19: **I'm bored.**

10:22: _Don't you have some ridiculous medical puzzle to miraculously solve, insulting everyone and their grandmothers while you're at it?_

House let out a hoarse chuckle, preparing to type an equally snarky reply while his free hand desperately massaged his cramping thigh muscle.

10:24: **Nah**

Okay... perhaps not as witty as he'd intended

10:26: _There's this little thing called work or a 'hospital' for most doctors at this time on a Wednesday_

10:27: **Well I would but see the boss has gone on a diet and her jugs just aren't juggly enough for me anymore**

10:28: _Greg_

10:30: **What? I know how much you like the ladies**

10:31: _You are okay right?_

10:33: **Okay enough to objectify my boss like any other red-blooded American you mean**

10:27: _This is almost pleasant conversation for you. And you're clearly up to something with the way you're avoiding the question_

10:28: **Me? Never.**

10:31: _-_-_

10:33 **I see you have learnt the elusive art of emojis**

10:33 **g2g sme**

10:35 _got to go and... what?_

10:38 **Alright then bye!**

10:39: _Hey!_

10:41 **Sudden Medical Emergency of course**

House grimaced as he glanced over to the drawer containing his heating pads on the other side of the room, at this point it didn't feel too far from the truth.

10:43 _Oh I see your pants are on fire_

Though Jimmy couldn't see that. Not his pants the truth. Oh fuck it.

10:45 **Don't you have a duty and responsibility to care for your patients? Think of the kids!**

10:46 _Now you're not even making sense_

10:46 _Not that you ever-_

He couldn't bring himself to read the rest of the text as he levered himself up off the bed. Funny as the guy was the only thing that could truly distract House at the moment lay seemingly a world away in a small syringe nestled carefully on top of his suitcase **.** He wouldn't want to let Cuddy's disappointment go to waste now would he?


End file.
